godless. asshat. dumbass. twit. leftist.
People publicly called me these names. All because I spoke up and said that I believed Dr. Christine Ford after the Kavanaugh hearings. This was twenty-seven years since the Anita Hill hearings and I was being calling these names. Because I shared my voice. Because I spoke up and no longer wanted to feel ‘silenced’.
It’s been years since Anita Hill and I still feel silenced as a women in America.
I don’t want to feel silenced anymore. It doesn’t feel good. I’m an American citizen and several times within the last year, I have felt less and less like an equal citizen. If there was any good to the depression that befell me during the Kavanaugh hearings, it was that it made me take an honest snapshot of the world around me – as a woman in America in the twenty-eight years since the Anita Hill hearings.
Last fall, the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings were emotionally tolling.
I hadn’t liked to get involved in politics. I’m aware that a lot of people say that, but I’ve seen what it does to people. It divided friendships and family and I’ve witnessed firsthand what the days before and after every presidential election looks like…especially this last one. It just seems easier to avoid political discussions as much as possible to keep the peace.
But, I still do my civic duty. I vote and bring my children with me. I educate them about our process. They stand and put their hands over their hearts when they hear our National Anthem.
So, when it came time for the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings for Judge Brett Kavanaugh last September, I committed to my civic duty once again.
As a homeschooling parent, I saw this as an excellent opportunity to continue the ongoing discussions with my children about our government, current affairs, women’s issues, and humanitarian issues.
However, I couldn’t keep the same arm’s length from political issues that I normally do. All too quickly, the Kavanaugh hearings awoken the memories of the Anita Hill hearings from years ago.
October 1991 and the Female Underground Language
The Anita Hill hearings occurred during my high school years while I was working at my first job. It was during those years that I, too, would come to know all too well about sexual harassment.
I had learned about it from a teacher who would always find a reason to get me alone and come up behind me to rub his hands on my tank top shoulders. Then there was my boss whose playground was any female in his employ. It was at my after-school job when I found his hand inside my bra under my work uniform that I got more sexual harassment education.
I wasn’t even an adult before I understood this was the playing field. It was an unwritten expectation that females were to operate within those grounds.
But, Anita Hill represented a voice, albeit a bit confusing for me at the time, but not so confusing that I didn’t get the message altogether. I quickly learned how females were and were not valued.
You couldn’t help but notice Anita Hill. So many people laughed at and were cruel to her. But still, she gave women hope.
Anita Hill represented a stronger voice despite harmful societal messaging. Females were groomed early on with this damaging messaging. I know – I had received these messages myself clearly over the years.
However, Clarence Thomas’ voice was louder. Despite what I can now identify as patriarchal and sexist treatment during her questioning, Thomas was still confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice.
The Anita Hill hearings represented a confusing time for American society.
Was Anita Hill a villain or a hero? Had the hearings been just? And since Anita Hill was also black, it brought racial intersection with sexism. Adding to that intersection was that the accused was a black man as well – did it level the playing field or complicate and bring new and unique issues to the forefront? There were so many messages to sort out afterward for so many.
Women, regardless of color, had to continue to discover their position in our society and how they would respond and behave.
The message about the regard and perception of women had become clearer. For me, that message came in a million little – and big – ways over the 27 years between the Anita Hill and the Brett Kavanaugh hearings.
There were the ‘near misses’ – the moments I got away from an ‘almost terrible situation’. It seemed my luck was always in the nick-of-time.
“I suppose I shouldn’t have been wearing that colored bra under that sweater, because the neck of that sweater exposed that strap, probably enticing the men. And because I had drank too many beers, it was my fault. I got myself cornered behind that hanging plastic in the basement. He was so much bigger than me. But then, almost like a group of angels, my male friends scooped me up and carried me out of the basement and out of the frat house – kicking me out of a party I should never have attended in the first place.”
There were other moments with awful men that I just couldn’t or didn’t know how to get out of the relationship and suffered deeply as a result. There were the day-after fights where I had felt so battered, yet didn’t have a single bruise or scar to prove it.
I recall being afraid to ‘say no’ to a boyfriend that had decided to have sex with me in a way that was new and scary for me. And I remember thinking, if I say no, and he doesn’t stop – I know what this makes him, and I didn’t know if I could accept that. So I allowed it – with tears quietly filling my eyes during the incident.
There were other incidents where he had me believe in his danger or the threat of the possibility. Was it all in my mind? Who would believe me?
My incidents are not unique; nor are they ‘all that bad’ when you compare them to countless other women’s experiences. But make no mistake – it is ALL bad. None of it is OK.
As I continued to grow into my professional years, there, of course, was the workplace harassment, witnessed and experienced. Sexual harassment in the nineties was commonplace and not at all alarming – perpetrated by coworkers, bosses and clients.
At one company, the human resources department had me queried to witness what I knew to be true. This questioning would save a fellow co-worker from additional terrible harassment. I told the truth only to feel ostracized. Male management encountered me with anger and disdain thereafter.
Doing the right thing can sometimes come at a terrible cost. And looking back, I believe this is what Anita Hill was trying to do twenty-eight years ago.
It was during that time that I would be interviewing for a promotion – a well deserved one – and I didn’t get it. Maybe the other candidate was more qualified. But it didn’t go unnoticed that the person who interviewed me was close friends with the man who had lost his job for multiple acts of sexual harassment and I was one of many women who supported the claims made by the victim.
By early adulthood, I had an even deeper understanding of how women were treated and regarded.
I learned this by the choices I had made, but also by the ones made around me – by my family and my friends – and the messages were clear:
- Women were not as highly regarded as men.
- They were often used for men’s sexual gratification and were sometimes disposable.
- Women had to work harder for less.
No, it wasn’t always intentional and it wasn’t everyone and it wasn’t all the time – but it seemed to be this quiet, underground, yet understood language that all women seemed to know about and on some level believe.
This was the playing ground. This was the Female Underground Language.
To not accept it and fight it and find others that were with you was admirable, by some. But only if you didn’t join some ‘man-hating’ group, like the National Organization for Woman. (Spoiler: I think I joined anyway way back then.)
You could speak up, just not too loudly.
No one wanted ‘another Gloria Steinem on their hands’. So go ahead – fight – but it was also an uphill battle. Somehow, to find the balance between making my own way and finding success in the corporate world despite these challenges was how I attempted to navigate these waters. It wasn’t always smooth sailing, of course, but I think I did the best that I could.
I’ve lived through harassment, abuse, gaslighting, mocking, and tons of mansplaining.
I’ve also deeply loved. And been loved. And for that I’m grateful.
But there is far too much of the bad stuff – and I’m not unusual or rare – where it has become a part of our societal norm. The playing field. The messages that females (and males) receive. Don’t forget – these are also the messages that our children receive.
But lots has happened in the years since the Anita Hill hearings.
9/11 happened. I had gotten married, had children, and eventually (traumatically) divorced. We tried public school and decided to home school. I had lived the corporate life – only to live a completely different life by surprise!
And I learned a critical lesson: Life is NEVER a straight line!
September 2018
So, one traumatic and unexpected divorce under my belt, I decide to have a unique take on current events and humanitarian issues with my home schooled children. It was going to be the perfect adjunct to the government and political science book they were in the midst of reading.
The Kavanaugh/Ford hearings were that day. It was time to expose my home schooled children to the latest, have them watch the hearings and decide for themselves!
We began our long day of testimony observation.
It didn’t take long to see that it was captivating and engulfing. It was as though there had been a tiny ash lying dormant inside me for twenty-seven years since the Anita Hill hearings and Dr. Ford’s testimony fanned some oxygen to it. I watched and studied her with great intent. She wasn’t everything or anything I had expected, but I’m not entirely sure what that would be.
I listened to Dr. Christine Ford’s pain. I watched her behave with professionalism as she described in embarrassing detail a terrifying night in her youth in front of the world. She relived it again and again as honestly as she could.
I thought to myself – THIS is our time. It’s been twenty-seven years since Anita Hill. We were FINALLY going to be heard.
But if her statements made my ash spark into a flame, Mr. Kavanaugh’s testimony turned it into a full blown inferno. I was shocked. Astounded. Enraged.
I had never heard Judge Kavanaugh speak until his opening statement.
This would be my first impression of him. Regardless of his innocence or guilt, his life must be hell, I thought. It might be reasonable to expect someone nominated to be a Supreme Court Justice to behave with composure and respect toward the Committee. I had been expecting a high sense of decorum and class during the interview and questioning process.
He wasn’t a layman nominated to the Supreme Court. Kavanaugh was a U.S. Federal judge nominated by the U.S. President for the highest seat in the land. Even though he may have FELT indignant, he needed to behave non-partisan, respectful, collegial, forthcoming and honest.
That is NOT what I saw.
I saw a frat boy.
You know the kind.
I was stunned.
I shouldn’t be at my age, but I was.
How dare he come at the American people and the Senate Judiciary Committee, yelling, as some kind of entitled frat boy? One of my children asked me, why is he yelling so loud? It was a stark contrast to Dr. Ford.
But Kavanaugh’s behavior alone didn’t seal the deal.
How dare he think we are so stupid as to think we will not know that he was feeding us lie after lie? Devil’s Triangle? Boofing? A simple search will show that not only are those things not what he testified them to be, but something far different from the life he testified to have lived.
I continued to listen as he cut off and interrupted female senators as they calmly questioned him. He even turned questions around; disrespecting the senators as they questioned him, as he did here:
He talked over people; attempting to control and belittle at times; and I found it infuriating. He even yelled and lost his temper throughout the ordeal.
I mean, it wasn’t like HE was recalling a traumatic sexual assault, right? But you would think he had been. No, his entitlement…his privilege was showing. Glowing. For the world to see.
I couldn’t help but notice the look on his wife’s face throughout the day. Was it sadness? A trapped feeling? Was she also a victim? Or was she, too, just angry and disgusted?
For some reason, I felt strongly that she knew a lot more than she could say. I have no basis for my feeling, so it isn’t fair for me to carry on much more than that – but it’s one of those gut feelings.
These hearings ultimately led to a historic vote on Judge Kavanaugh’s confirmation by the Senate Judiciary Committee. It was reminiscent of the Anita Hill hearings from years ago.
Women’s groups had flocked the senators that could be swing votes. There were tears. Women had been pleading to be heard. THIS was the time to BELIEVE WOMEN.
Twenty-seven years since Anita Hill must have mattered for something. Twenty-seven years of growth in our country – more equality, some acknowledgement for gay rights, a black president. We need to believe women. Hear our voices. Listen to her.
Believe her…us…believe women.
Certainly between a loose, angry cannon testifying and a composed, collegiate victim with a credible story, it would make sense to err with protection of women.
After all, a 2018 poll had recently declared the United States the tenth most dangerous country in the world for women, one area cited was sexual violence and a lack of access to justice in rape cases.
What clearer message is there? What more does our country need to hear?
Believe women.
But this time, it just didn’t work out that way. Even after twenty-seven years – after all the ‘progress’ made in the feminist movement – you would think that our country was ready and willing, to HEAR HER and BELIEVE HER.
To make it even easier for our racist country, the victim was a privileged white woman.
There was no longer the intersection of race with gender to sort out. This would make it even easier for our privileged white country to relate to and recognize. But no. (And by the way, this is why white women need to belly up and get with their black sisters and work together. White women need to understand their privilege, too. Black and white feminism look altogether too different and it shouldn’t, but it does.)
But Kavanaugh’s voice, like Thomas’, was louder than Hers.
(And yes, I recognize that I capitalized ‘Hers’, all you grammar nuts, and I did it for a reason. Just sit with it for a minute, it’ll be OK.)
They said that there wasn’t any corroboration. And our justice system needs corroboration – even for attempted rape.
This is difficult, because usually the perpetrator isn’t particularly cooperative on corroboration and will undoubtedly make sure that any other potential witnesses will feel very uncomfortable (read: threatened) to corroborate.
The whole thing about proving attempted rape means that you have to put more trust in….women.
And I do understand and recognize that we live in a system where we are supposed to be innocent until proven guilty. Regardless, the hearings were part of his interview process to determine eligibility for confirmation.
It wasn’t a criminal hearing, despite the court of public opinion, including my own. But if temperament and sensibility are critical to the role, he failed miserably.
In theory, our judicial system is a beautiful thing.
The idea of being innocent until proven guilty is fundamental. What isn’t fair are the default building blocks in our society that fundamentally color and shape our system.
Let’s talk about defaults.
For example, why does the default religion in our country seem to be Christian? Isn’t there no official religion in our country?
When I turn on the TV, why do I usually see white families depicted? Aren’t we supposed to be some sort of melting pot?
Why does the default seem that it’s more important to protect HIS reputation and future than HERS?
There seems to be a preset list of defaults doing a lot of the DECIDING and SPEAKING in our country.
And God forbid you bring that up to the wrong person – you’re breaking the code of any underground language! You’ll be guilty of upsetting the balance and order of things! Sure, innocent until proven guilty. But let’s face it – the scales aren’t entirely balanced.
But, alas, Brett Kavanaugh could PROVE to all that he was innocent regardless of his Christian, white, male defaults!
He had his paper calendars!
I’m sure that they hadn’t been doctored! And of course, we believed HIM regarding his whereabouts on all said entries. Doesn’t EVERY seventeen-year-old record record their every party event?
And he had just shown the world that calm temperament, indicative of a Supreme Court Justice! After all, he treated all the female senators with such a high degree of respect and kindness – it would be such a leap to suspect that he had any looming rage toward women. It would definitely be almost impossible to imagine such a well-balanced individual losing control of his younger, perhaps drunken, teenage self.
He had his classmates…
…dozens of them – write statements about his character. I’m sure that none of them did that out of any fear for what NOT doing this might cause them. These ‘boofing‘ buddies and pals certainly all did the right thing and told the truth about his character and clean history and treatment of women – it’s not like they wouldn’t due to any concerns about uprooting their lives, children’s lives, and jobs.
I’m sure they all did the right thing…
…and wrote those letters and made those statements regardless of any concerns about their safety, the media circus, or anything like that. It’s not like there has been RESEARCH and SCIENCE about why human brains are challenged to stand up to authority, despite morality. Of course no one took the path of least resistance when it came right down to it.
How could anyone think that any of this could have played out like high school all over again? You know, when the uncool kids finally got noticed by the popular kid and the power dynamic gets turned around? No, no, no – everyone did the right thing.
Judge Kavanaugh didn’t have special connections or anything…right?
Dr. Ford was the scary one with all those big connections – that scary woman telling all those lies, right? She’s the one who had something to gain by exposing herself – AGAIN – and sharing her pain. What was that, again?
I hope that you’ve seen the ridiculousness of the last several paragraphs. I tend to be sarcastic. If you haven’t, then you have missed my point entirely and well, if you believe all that, then I’ve got a drinking game called ‘Devil’s Triangle’ that I want to sell you.
May 2019 (and 28 Years Since Anita Hill)
But here we are – the spring after the Kavanaugh hearings. It’s been months since this madness. It took a toll on me and that took me by surprise. Like I’ve mentioned, I don’t tend to get politically involved; only to do what I deem as my civic duties.
But that has all changed. The Brett Kavanaugh/Christine Ford hearings shook me right up. I no longer care if I upset someone by my position. I’m no longer concerned about pleasing everyone. Perhaps this is part of my personal evolution of sorting out my own womanhood and finding my own voice.
I had gotten depressed after the hearings.
I felt beaten down. Social media was crazy. I tried to debate with one of my own past perpetrators via social media; yet I doubt he knew or understood the wrongs he had committed against me. I had never told him. In order for me to survive in his scary world during that time, I had to pretend to him and to myself that I was tougher than all of it. It didn’t make his behavior OK, but it helped me get through it.
I think a lot of these men operate in a very different reality; with a hard-wiring of entitlement. The ‘Female Underground Language’ referenced earlier is necessary to answer to that entitlement.
This ‘Female Underground Language‘ is based on generations of damning societal messaging. It’s purpose is to not upset, offend or set off the unequal balance between men and women. It has been so hard-wired throughout society’s psyche, that it would take generations to undo. And it’s not just men. It’s women and children, too.
With every exploitative magazine cover, every friend’s abuse gone silenced, and every ass slap laughed or lied away, the coding of this “language” becomes hard-wired in all of our brains.
Debating with a truly misogynistic, controlling man and expecting him to change is like banging your head against a wall. I don’t know why I thought engaging with one in my past would be fruitful. Truly, I couldn’t believe that after all of these years I could ‘get through’ to him. I think I just wanted to have my own voice without feeling silenced and to yell back…like I never did then. I wanted to shut him up for good.
Spoiler: It didn’t work and I only got more depressed.
But with the spring came longer days and baseball…and Alabama? And then Louisiana?
Wait, what?
And it starts again. We are coming on twenty-eight years since Anita Hill. This isn’t about killing babies. (If it were, there wouldn’t be allowable throwaway embryos after in vitro fertilization.)
This is about killing women’s voices. Silencing women. Controlling women.
I’m not here to talk about whether I would or wouldn’t abort a fetus – that’s not the discussion. The discussion belongs in the doctor’s office between the woman and her doctor, and anyone else SHE decides. If she decides that that is a religious discussion, that’s for her to decide. If she doesn’t, that’s her choice, too. No one else.
I’m getting older and growing tired of all of this nonsense. Once I was confused and concerned that when I spoke up, how it will offend men. I’ve now grown tired of the lack of progress and ignorance around me.
When a man starts shooting his mouth off in defense of the pro-life movement, I’m instantly aware of his privilege and his arrogant ignorance as he carries on about MY responsibilities to carry a baby to term.
Likewise, when I hear a woman carry on about her pro-life position, I’m immediately aware of her lack of empathy, tolerance, and worldliness.
I recognize that these statements may make me sound boldly narrow- minded, since it may appear that I’m simply stating them because they ‘don’t agree with me’. But that wouldn’t be entirely accurate.
I can’t say what I would do in each and every given situation – and I don’t think anyone, if they were being entirely honest – can.
Some call it leaving it up to God, some call it leaving it up to nature, some tap into their intuition while others use their experiences and critical thinking and consult with a doctor. Every situation is different and I know that I am not mighty enough or all-knowing enough to judge.
I CAN trust that each woman is part of the human race, equipped with a mind. She should also be equipped with the liberties and freedoms that are supposed to be inherently granted to all.
Her brain is uniquely a piece of her body, her critical thinking and her ability to process , sort thoughts and decisions that are right for her body alone. Her individual wisdom guides her body – physically, mentally, and emotionally – through all the complicated processes involved in the:
- Conception – if consensual. Again, the US ranks 3rd, tying with Syria, for sexual violence against women, rape, sexual harassment and coercion into sex.
- Fertilization
- Implantation (If successful)
- Embryo Survival Challenges
- Succession to Fetus (If successful)
- Fetus Survival Challenges
- Continued Progression Throughout Pregnancy and Final Gestation
- Labor and Delivery (If successful for mother and child)
- Nursing (If chosen)
- (and) Care Taking. (Including but not limited to: feeding, clothing, shelter, medical care and postpartum care for mother.)
Sometimes her body knows that it simply cannot carry to term at that time – and she may never know the reason. Why pry; it’s not anyone’s business.
We often call that a miscarriage. Sometimes her body’s wisdom resides in her critical thinking or within a discussion with a doctor. There may be cases that carrying to term is not advisable for a different reason. We often call that an abortion.
Are we to suggest that a human’s – including women, who belong to the human race – mental capacity and health is separate from her physical self?
(This book – Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom – is an updated version of a staple I once owned. It lived on my bookshelf in one of my first apartments while in my early twenties. I cannot recommend this book enough! This honest and insightful handbook is an empowering wealth of information for every female of every age throughout her life. It tackles every topic, big and small, that may be too uncomfortable to discuss with worldwide views and historical relevance. The author writes from the experience and knowledge that the women’s body is intuitively wise physically, mentally, and emotionally.)
I don’t need to know the reasons that a woman chooses to have a child or to not have a child – I trust women.
I trust that a woman is just as much a member of the human race, capable of making decisions about her body and her life as anyone else.
Will I agree with everyone and everything all the time? Undoubtedly, no! But guess what? It’s not really up to me. It doesn’t really matter. When it’s MY situation and I need to make a decision like that, THEN it matters.
As a member of the human race, I better be trusted to do as I see fit for my family, body, and life at that time. I need not justify my decisions to anyone; only to myself.
When will the United States TRUST women?
To believe raped and assaulted women?
When will we honor women’s autonomy for their own bodies?
When I took a closer look at what had become of women in America in the years since the Anita Hill- I didn’t like what I saw.
I also was even more discouraged about our fate.
But it was still important to investigate and see where we have been and where we might be heading. I needed to understand why misogyny seemed so powerful and how women’s voice seemed to get smaller in 2019. It made me look even closer at other minorities, too. This project compelled me to closely examine the underground and silencing language used to control women; whether by intention or not.
Everything has always been interconnected. Once the government stops controlling and deciding what women’s bodies are for and are not for – I am confident that the United States will begin to be a much safer place for all.
Here’s to the next twenty-eight years.
Let the voices of Anita Hill, Dr. Christine Ford, and the many other brave women who have come forward when it was hard to do – not have done so in vain. Let their voices be our springboard.
Please join my plea and together we can develop a new messaging for ourselves, our loved ones, and society. It will take work and upset but when done with great intent, empathy, and love, it will only help our daughters and sons rise and be better.
Together, we can rewrite this new language so that no woman will ever feel silenced again.
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